Dealing with denial

I think it’s probably safe to say that we’ve all dealt with denial at times over the past few weeks. Since I last wrote, I’ve experienced denial in a number of different ways:

• Week 1 of lockdown was just outright denial. Pure and simple. If I remember correctly, I was in denial about being in denial at times too…

• Week 2 was a little more abstract, with me wondering whether we were about to have the most outrageous April Fools Day EVER. I imagine that would’ve probably created a far worse problem though… 

• Week 3 included some moments of acceptance but I did at one point think that the only logical explanation for our current situation was that I was about to wake up from a nightmare…

• Week 4 had a little less of all of this. But I wouldn’t say denial had been fully ‘dealt’ with.

And now we’re well into Week 5. The usual ups and downs are here again and each day seems to bring more problems and uncertainty. Things that there wasn’t capacity to worry about 4 weeks ago are now starting to be talked about. In the sector I work in, thoughts about which universities will make it and which won’t are starting to emerge. Don’t get me wrong. I’m incredibly lucky my loved ones and I still have a) our health and b) a job and I certainly don’t take any of that for granted. Each day just seems to bring a new stream of complex problems into the mix.

As I write this, I think I’m experiencing one of these ‘downs’ so I hope this doesn’t all sound too negative! I wrote at the end of March about some ideas for art pieces and boy have these helped me through the last few weeks – so, time for some positives… 

I started with the Brent Goose which I shared in a post earlier in April. I then moved onto something that I thought captured the mood of the time. The lonely, dilapidated windmill on the barren mere. Although it looks quite sad, I was really drawn to the windmill in the flesh and, in its own, striking way, I thought it carried a lot of beauty. In contrast to its surroundings, it stood out as a reflection of a time gone by – quite a useful reminder in these difficult times that life does (and will) go on. I tried to keep my version simple. I haven’t always been good at that but I’m learning that simple is often best, especially with watercolour. I started with a very light purple wash for the background and then focused on some core colours for the scene: beige, brown and grey. I added a bit more detail afterwards with some black paint and a brown pencil crayon. 

Although I enjoyed painting the windmill, I wanted to focus on something a bit more vibrant next. So I looked at what materials I had left in the cupboard. I found some A5 canvas blocks that had been sitting in various cupboards for donkey’s years and I thought it was about time I used one! So I grabbed some acrylic paint and started visualising a bluebell wood. I really wasn’t sure how this one was going to pan out but I enjoyed mixing the various greens, blues and whites together to create the background. After moaning to a number of people – and my partner many times – that I was worried I was going to ‘ruin’ it, I finally took the plunge and added in the tree trunks. This was unknown territory for me but I was pleased with the result. Better still, the whole experience of painting with acrylics really cleared my mind from the stresses of the day.

And finally the lighthouse at Happisburgh. I wanted to use a fine liner for this one. I’d really enjoyed using pen when completing the goose so thought I’d have a bash at the lighthouse with it. What always gets me when I use pen is that it really feels like you’re discovering something. The lines are so striking against the background that it doesn’t really feel like you’ve created them yourself. Again, a fabulous way to clear a stressed brain!

I’ve even started to share some of these pieces with my colleagues now. This isn’t something I ever thought I’d do. The situation we find ourselves in has bizarrely opened up some unusual opportunities to get to know each other. It’s an example of an ‘up’ that counters the flurry of ‘downs’. And that can’t be a bad thing. I’m also really pleased that some of my family are now having a go at a bit of art. I think it’s important to remind ourselves that life continues to go on and, unlike the dilapidated windmill, time hasn’t yet withered our wellbeing beyond repair.