Here comes the guilt…

It was my birthday yesterday. I think every birthday I’ve had as an adult has involved going to a pub or restaurant of some kind. And, back at the beginning of all this, all I would say to friends and colleagues was how I couldn’t wait for the pubs to reopen. 

So, last week, I was dreading a colleague asking me about what I’d be up to on Saturday 4th and Sunday 5th of July. Because, you see, the honest answer was that I’d be managing an internal battle, something I’ve decided to term ‘Covid guilt’.

The feeling of guilt is not new to me. When I feel a bit low, I often end up thinking about things from the past that I’m not always proud of and that I continue to feel a little guilty about. These feelings usually come in waves – and I have a system to manage them – but I can’t say I enjoy the experience of reliving the guilt! It therefore wasn’t a surprise to me that this new ‘novel’ form of guilt had made an appearance.

Throughout the pandemic, my partner and I have supported a local micropub. It’s pretty much the only local that’s offered takeaway beers and ciders. We love it in there and have lots of happy memories of visiting on carefree Sunday afternoons over the past year since we moved to the village. Months ago, I looked forward to the idea of ‘coming back with a bang’, starting up our pub afternoons once again and ‘supporting our local’.

With many of our favourite pubs reopening on the 4th, though, I just felt so conflicted. I wanted to support my local pub (along with local cafes and restaurants) but I didn’t want to put anyone at risk. And, selfishly, I didn’t want to get a call a week later to say I had to self-isolate. This battle is the inspiration behind the cartoon.

I thought long and hard about how I wanted to construct this one. There’s quite a lot of detail that I should explain. I decided to start by thinking about my internal conflict – it’s really a reflection of the rock and hard place we’re all caught between. On the one hand, the virus is still in existence and I have to take responsibility to keep myself and others safe. On the other hand, the economic disaster that many businesses – and people – have found themselves in is arguably worse for some than contracting the virus in the first place.

The quotes at the top of the cartoon reflect this. They are a mixture of government quotes and quotes from my favourite local businesses from their social media posts – most of these are about the 4th July (or ‘Super Saturday’). The quotes on the left-hand side are coloured in green because these are the ones that reflect the happiness, optimism and hope that the reopening brought. 

In the middle, amber makes an appearance. These quotes have a twang of optimism but also highlight the caution that we all need to take. One of these quotes also comes from a local business reflecting the strange times we’re in: ‘Not quite business as usual more ‘business unusual’’.

Then, moving to the right, we hit the red quotes. These quotes really bring the risk home. One is from the PM, one is from a local pub that decided not to reopen on the 4th and one is from a pub (not a local one) that had to close again after someone who visited over the weekend tested positive for the virus. I decided to date all of the quotes because it’s a good timeline of my experience with ‘Covid guilt’. The timeline also shows just how messy the picture is, with green quotes being said on the same dates as red quotes.

The green, amber and red quotes then set the colour scheme for the bottom section. I saw a picture on Facebook of a pub in my mum and dad’s town that had been decorated in lovely balloons for the 4th so I adorned ‘Ye Olde Pub’ with these in the first picture and spread the traffic light colours pretty evenly across them. I wanted to keep the pub anonymous and, after a quick Google search, I don’t think there’s a pub called this in England (it could really be any pub). All in all, this image reflects the optimism, excitement and celebration of the pubs reopening.

I didn’t want to draw me in the second picture because I imagine lots of people have also been battling ‘Covid guilt’. Instead, I’ve used a somewhat long-necked cat to depict this – note-to-self, shorten the cat’s neck next time! The sign to the pub is coloured in green at the start but blends into amber to reflect the cat’s dilemma. The poor cat just isn’t sure what to do.

Now, the third image. I’m worried that this cartoon might be interpreted as very pessimistic. That really wasn’t the intention. To give some context, last week – when I took the place of the pondering cat – something central to my dilemma was what if I get ‘the call’? What if I go to the pub, have a lovely socially-distanced time and then get a call in the week to say that someone else who was there at the same time as me tested positive? Or, worse, what if I’m the one that tests positive and is the reason why a pub, along with its punters and staff, have to pause once again and self-isolate? I knew it would happen somewhere in the country and I was surprised at its speed – only a few days later, the BBC reported that three pubs had closed once again. I’m not saying this is an inevitable outcome (now that would be pessimistic). The image is just a portrayal of this particular concern.

And this summarises my battle with ‘Covid guilt’. I feel guilty for not going out to support my local, but is that worse than the guilt I’d feel if I was the reason for it closing again? I imagine that this is just something I’m going to have to adjust to. The quote from the chief medical officer at the very bottom pretty much reflects this. So, this is my final question: what on earth is a poor guilty cat to do?